For today’s post, I want to start being more open. I want to talk about issues that are real and personal to me, and how I deal with them every day. I want to be able to just talk about my day, detail a fun trip I took, or share a photoshoot that I am proud of.
Sometimes I go days without posting. It’s never that I don’t want to post or don’t have an idea of what to post, it’s the perfectionist in me. The person who absolutely can’t post or even begin to write something if they’re not completely and utterly satisfied with it. I can’t even begin to tell you how many things I’ve written, sometimes even posted, then deleted because it didn’t meet my standards.
Dealing with this extends to more in my life than just my writing. Everything I do has to be just so, whether it’s the wallpaper I’m attempting to put up in my room or a new page in my bullet journal. I literally rubbed the skin off of most of my fingers trying to smooth my wallpaper onto my wall perfectly, not stopping even after I realized I was starting to hurt my fingers. I become fixated on the idea of perfect, not thinking about anything but the end result. I feel immense pressure to make things “perfect”, even though the only person applying the pressure is myself.
I know that nothing can truly be “perfect”, and I accept that. However, there are just some days where I can’t do anything because nothing I do is up to my own insane standards. I end up in this cycle of starting, stopping, and putting away because I get overcome by this need for perfection. It leads to me being extremely indecisive in every action I take. I struggle to even choose what I want to have for breakfast some days, and when that happens I usually just forget the idea of food altogether.
My actions are not healthy, physically or mentally, and I’m doing my best to work to change them. I may not be completely “cured” of this, but I’m getting better. I am able to be conscious about my eating and drinking and choose to eat things that I genuinely want to, not just things that are accessible. I can be okay with something being a little messed up, with those tiny creases in the wallpaper or the imperfect lettering on my chalkboard wall.
It’s okay that I and everything in my life are not perfect. There is no perfect, and this is a fact I am working on internalizing every day of my life going forward. I am taking steps to become a better person in this respect, and even though I may have slip ups along the way I am becoming who I want to be.
When I get into that state, I try to go to my happy place. For me, that place varies between the horseback riding stables I regularly go to and a library. I envision myself there, think about what book I’m reading or what horse I’m riding and let myself fall completely into my imagination.
My cat, Katie, also helps me emotionally a lot. She is the most in tune cat I’ve ever met, and she always knows when I’m feeling upset. She comes and sits with me on the floor, on my bed, on my desk, or anywhere I am when I need her.
Another thing that has really worked for me when I feel more anxious is playing the game I Love Hue. It’s essentially a giant color organizing game, where you are given a grid with an assortment of colors that have been scrambled. Your goal is to put the colors back into rainbow order. This game is so relaxing to me, and it helps to have something to think about and actively do when I’m feeling anxious.
All of these methods help me to be able to calm down a little bit and think more rationally, and realize that okay is good enough. That’s why I named my website “zoesokay”, because I’m okay, not perfect. And that’s good enough.
Hopefully this post gave you some insight into how I deal with being a perfectionist, and maybe helped you into accepting that there is no “perfect”. This post is something I’m genuinely proud of, and I’m excited to keep making content I love on this website. I’ll see you all soon for another post.